zah_oh_ee

I CANNOT bring myself to do these freaking AP charts! It's just not happening! It's like the part of my brain that's usually decent at analyzing literature has shut down completely. I did one box and stopped. I am so frustrated.

I'm leaving for Pittsburgh tomorrow morning. I usually don't mind flying because I get to read and listen to music and just zone out and think, but traveling with my mother disables my ability to relax while traveling. She freaks out every time we have to fly. Not because she's scared to fly, she just gets so stressed out about the whole process of leaving home, which in effect stresses me out. I understand completely where she's coming from, but I dunno. I shouldn't say anything, though, because I get the same way about other things. I guess it runs in the family.

I'm excited to see my family. I don't have any family here, so being around my grandma and my aunts and uncles and my cousins always fills a void that has been constantly empty since I was 8. That's why leaving them is always so depressing. That void in my life is suddenly there again.

In other, way less depressing news, the Costa orchestras get to perform at the Walt Disney Music Hall next June!!!!! I am so thrilled. I nearly screamed when I got the letter in the mail. It's going to be such a fantastic experience.

What else. I miss Jimmy. Like a lot. He always has a way of keeping me sane, which is not at all how I feel at the moment. I wish I could talk to him. Oh well. Seeing him will be something to look forward to after my trip.

Today I made an appointment for an interview at USC, which is exciting and scary. Mostly scary, actually.

I'm hungry. And sleepy. And worried.

I'm going to eat and maybe do this AP chart. It's not looking too promising, though. How am I going to do four of these things?! In less than a month??? Ugh.

40 secrets about yourself.
Honesty is the best policy!

[one] have you ever been asked out?
Yeah.

[two] where was your default picture taken?
Dunno, I found it.

[three] what's your middle name?
Lisa.

[four] your current relationship status?
In a relationship.

[five] does your crush like you back?
I guess you could say that?

[six]what is your current mood?
Anxious, but happy.

[seven] what color of underwear are you wearing?
Red.

[eight] what color shirt are you wearing?
Purple Mraz tee.

[nine] Missing something?
Someone, yes. A lot.

[ten] if you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?
I can't say that I would change anything. Little things, of course, but I think everything in my life has worked out the way it has supposed to...so far, at least.

[eleven] if you must be an animal for one day, what?
A bird or a dolphin.

[twelve] ever had a near death experience?
Every time I drive?

[thirteen] something you do a lot?
Think.

[fourteen] the song stuck in your head?
"One Fine Day"

[fifteen] who did you copy and paste this from?
Chase.

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as you?
Brian Williams.

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
Last night. For no reason, really.

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Nah.

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
Invisibility.

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Physically...eyes, hair, arms (I'm really strange). Personality-wise...sense of humor.

[twenty-one] what do you usually order from starbucks?
Blended java chip, and sometimes a vanilla latte, though I prefer it from Coffee Bean.

[twenty-two] what's your biggest secret?
It's a secret I don't have to keep anymore, thank God.

[twenty-three] favorite color?
Don't have one. I like all colors.

[twenty-four] do you still watch kiddie shows or tv shows?
Oh, sometimes.

[twenty-five] what's on your walls?
LOTS of crap.

[twenty-six] what are you?
Italian and Hungarian.

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
No.

[twenty-eight] what's your favorite smell?
Cherry blossoms, vanilla, musk, freshly baked bread, the ocean, my grandma's house.

[twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word.
Ongoing.

[thirty-one] have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes, a while back. it wasn't that romantic.

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
Everything and nothing.

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
AP charts.

[thirty-four] who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Myself.

[thirty-five] how often do you talk to God?
Often.

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
Not particularly.

[thirty-seven] if you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I like mine just fine.

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around the person you like?
I'd like to think I'm more myself around him.

[thirty-nine] what is your natural hair color?
Dark brown.

[forty] who was the last person to make you cry?
Myself, again.

I saw the "Sex and the City" movie today. It was fantastic. There was one line, however, that stuck out for me the most. It came from Charlotte, who finally had everything going right in her life. She was the happiest she had ever been. And all of a sudden she breaks down crying and says, "I'm so happy I'm terrified."

That's exactly how I feel.

• Got a 100% on my health test.
• Created a how-to manual on "How to Avoid Date Rape" all by myself in health class. Epic, right?
• Was totally unproductive with Jimmy.
• Got a Facebook message from DAN GREEN saying that he thought the cub edition that I sent him rocked. I was probably most excited about that one.

But now my iPod is being a total failblog, and I still need to read a chapter on alcohol abuse as well as summer reading. Meh.

I hate thinking that my past will somehow catch up with me.

I hate thinking that my past IS somehow catching up with me.

I hate that my world was torn apart, yet I couldn't do anything about it.

I hate that I can't change those things, and that I never will.

I hate how my past affects my future, and most of all my present.

I hate the fact that my past affects others, and that they did nothing to deserve it.

I hate that I've lost so many people that I loved in my life, and that I will probably lose many more.

I hate thinking about it.

I hate that I can't stop thinking about it.

I hate not knowing if I'm doing this right or not.

I hate that the same thing could very well happen again.

I hate the possibility that I will repeat my mistakes.

I hate that I've had my heart broken in more ways than one.

I hate the fact that it could break again.

I hate the future and what it will do to us.



I hate it.

The Lord will fight for you.
All you have to do is stand still.
- Exodus 14:14

It's crazy how much can change in three months.

But in a good way.

Because I've never been happier in my entire life.

Three months ago, I didn't even think that was possible.

Crazy. Life is crazy.

God, Saturday cannot come soon enough.

See...okay. I love to write. I especially love to write down my thoughts. Random, pointless thoughts, mind you...but my thoughts, nonetheless. I've always been one to keep a journal, but the problem I always seem to face is the consistency in which I write in it. I received a beautiful, leather-bound, mult-colored striped journal from my aunt for Christmas this past year. It was literally the most gorgeous journal I had ever seen in my entire life.  I wrote in it without fail every day for two weeks after the day I got it. With that said, I think my last entry was sometime in March.

I tried to convince myself that the reason for all the sparse entries was because "I was too busy" or "I was too tired" or "I didn't feel like writing at the time" The reality of the situation, though, is that I'm afraid of my own thoughts. Bizarre, I know, but hear me out. In my head, I can justify what I'm thinking...whatever that may be. But when my thoughts suddenly become written words on a page...naked and vulnerable for the potential human eye to see, it freaks me out. Suddenly, those words are real and I can't take them back. Suddenly, those words need no justifications. Suddenly, I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't want to do that to myself anymore, because it's starting to drive me insane. This is it.

I always refer to lyrics from this one Kelly Clarkson song to put things into perspective for myself. I know what you're thinking...Kelly Clarkson is lame blahblahblah. But I connect to, like, ALL of her lyrics. It's kind of scary...and maybe a little lame, I admit, but maybe I'm a little lame.

Is anybody out there?
I'm standing here all alone
And I.. I just don't know
Is anybody this weird?
Will someone ever get my twisted thoughts?
My ways?
I guess not today

"Not Today"-- Kelly Clarkson

"Will someone ever get my twisted thoughts?"
I think that's a question we all ask ourselves sometimes. For me, though, it's all the time.

SO with a little inspiration from some friends (namely, Chase), I decided to give this LiveJournal a shot. Hopefully, this time, I last longer than two weeks.